Feelings Are Not Facts

“When we’re stuck in troubled feelings, we believe that all our feelings are true – that is to say, we believe that by our emotions at that moment, we are making accurate judgments about what’s happening. If I’m angry with you, I’m certain that you are making me angry.”

The fact is “though we truly have these feelings, they are not necessarily true feelings.”

~ From Bonds That Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner

No matter what happens in your life, you will have some feelings about it. And, we tend to believe that it is the events that happened that caused those feelings. This is not true. Before we have the feelings, we have a thought about the event; it is from that thought that our feelings arise.

If we think something is awful, we will feel awful about it. If we think something is wonderful, then our feelings will follow. The key here is to not allow your feelings to control how you behave; because from those feelings come the behaviors. If something is awful, acknowledge it and then move on. By the same token, if something is wonderful, acknowledge it and move on.

You will begin to see that life becomes more peaceful, more calm and much more agreeable.

How Are You Feeling?

This week we looked at the thoughts that drive your emotions. You know, it is your own thoughts that drive your emotions, not the outside circumstances. Those outside events that happen, they do not cause you to feel a certain way; it is the way you interpret those events that cause you to feel what you feel. If you deem something as being very bad, you will feel bad about it. If you deem something as being unfair, then this will make you feel angry.

But what if… you do not attach any meaning to those outside events that happen in your world? Just, what if? Yes, we are meaning-making machines and we have to assign meaning to everything that happens in our external world. Yet, what if we simply chose not to? What if we said, “Oh, that thing happened; isn’t that interesting?” Then simply, let it go. Hard to fathom? I know.

Yet, this is the cause of all your suffering. You assign meaning to things that have  no meaning and have nothing to do with you. Even if it has your name all over it, it has nothing to do with you – unless you let it. You get fired? It’s not about you. You get dumped by the guy? It’s not about you. Stop making everything about you. I am sorry to tell you this but you are not the center of anyone’s universe except your own! Not everything is about you. Stop allowing it to be.

“As for worrying about what other people might think – forget it. They aren't concerned about you. They're too busy worrying about what you and other people think of them.” ~ Michael le Boeuf 

Make it a blessed weekend!

Coach Carolyn

What’s Your Priority?

What are you making a priority in your life? Is it depression? Is it happiness? Is it the job that makes you depressed? Is it the toxic friends you can’t seem to do without?

If you want to be happy, make being happy a priority. Oh, I don’t mean standing in front of the mirror every morning declaring yourself to be happy – it takes a bit more than that. If you really want to feel a different way, only you can make that happen.

STOP, TAKE A BREATH, and ASK: “Why am I not happy?” “What will make me happy?” “What do I need to do to make that happen?” Then take one action step to make it so. If you do not make being happy, joyful, peaceful, and exuberant a priority, then it won’t be.

My priority is to be peaceful. I need and want peace in all areas of my life. To make that happen, I had to make the decision that I would create peace in all areas of my life. This was not easy. I had a job and I was miserable. I had to leave the job if I truly wanted peace. I lived with my family who were toxic, violent and unhealthy. I had to divorce myself from the family if I wanted peace. Now, most people will not make these kinds of sacrifices; but I wanted peace. I had to make peace a priority and so I had to make the sacrifices. Do not ask for something you are not willing to work to make happen.

If you are not willing to leave the job that makes you miserable, then shut up about it. It is your choice to stay in that job. If you are miserable in your job, chances are you are not where your heart has led you; therefore, you will never be happy in that job. Ask yourself why you stay in a job that does not light you up? Money! Right! I know that one....

Make YOU a priority, because no one else will!

Coach Carolyn

Are You Still Making Excuses?

“Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.” ~ Don Wilder and Bill Rechin

One of my favorite axioms is excuses are exits. When you make an excuse, you literally exit yourself off the highway of happiness and success. Excuses are simply rational lies. They will get you nowhere very fast.

Excuses are another way to give away our power. We know we need or do something; yet we look at our external circumstances and based on what’s going on, we think about it in a negative light, then we come up with an excuse not to do it. And nine out of ten times it is because we don’t feeeeeel like doing it. Whine, whine, whine! Give me some cheese with that whine!

I can’t tell you how many excuses I have heard over the years – from students, potential clients, and wanna-be clients. Oh yes, everyone wants to work with you, but… then here comes the excuse. Your life will always remain as murky and dark while it is filled with excuses; because excuses only darken your path. There is nowhere to go after the excuses – the conversation is ended.

Now, if there is a legitimate reason… well, that’s different!

“The only person who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.” ~ Jules Renard

So, what's your excuse?

Coach Carolyn

Who Are You Blaming?

As I stated in yesterday’s post, it is easy to point the finger at someone or something else when we are feeling bad. For many years, when I was feeling depressed or anxious, I would blame my mother, my sibling, the moon, you name it. Doing this, I did not have to take responsibility. But this also meant, I forfeited my power to the person or thing I deemed responsible. This meant that I also had no power to change the way I felt.

I rarely, if ever, owned my feelings, therefore, my behavior that resulted from those feelings. It was so-and-so who made me do it. Growing up in my house, the devil was the likely perpetrator to blame things on. It was convenient and bore all the responsibility. I was completely off the hook. Yet, I still felt bad, sad, mad, or glad. The devil couldn’t do anything about lifting my negative moods, or changing my behavior. And, the devil managed to not get the punishments – I received those.

Until you take full and complete responsibility for your own emotions and behaviors, you will always be the victim, powerless and not in control of your own life. As the great First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt once so wisely stated, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” So whether you think you are the victim of someone else’s bad behavior, you are still allowing it. Take back your power and you will find you can also control your emotions. 

No, the devil did not make you do it!

Coach Carolyn

Your Thoughts Drive Your Emotions

This week, we will look at how your thoughts are driving your emotions. You may think that whatever is going on around you in your external world is what is causing you sadness, happiness, fear, loneliness, anxiety or anger. Wrong! What you are feeling has nothing to do with what is going on outside of you. What you are feeling is caused by what is going on inside of you. Surprised? I thought you might be. Because when we can point to come outside stimulus for our feelings, then we give ourselves permission to be victims and to blame someone or something else for our unsettling feelings and bad behavior.

It is easier to say, “She made me feel this way,” or “He made me feel that way,” than it is to say, “I am feeling this way because I choose to feel this way.” Say that one aloud and see how it fits. I dare say, quite an uncomfortable fit. As adults, no one has the power to make us feel or behave a certain way, unless we give away our power to someone outside of us. Digest that one for awhile and I will be back tomorrow….

Are you digesting?

Coach Carolyn

Let Fear Do Its Job

“To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.” ~ Katherine Paterson

Although we do not choose our emotions, we do choose which ones will hang around and upset our lives. Our emotions are God-given and we have them for a specific purpose – not to torture us or abuse us; but to alert us to a next step in our lives.

When we stay stuck in fear, we are not allowing the fear to do the job it came to do, to alert us to something that will assist us in our growth. Instead we do not acknowledge the fear, let alone confront it. We are called to stare down our fears, asking it what it wants from us, then taking the next inspired actions.

You are the master of your emotions, not the other way around. Stop allowing your fears to control how you are being and doing in life. Fear is to compliment your existence, not stop it!

“Fear cannot take what you do not give it.” ~ Christopher Coan

So just for today, let fear do its job, while you do yours!

Coach Carolyn