Here Comes the Judge!

We have come to the end of out week long journey into those limiting behaviors that keep you stuck and not able to be the divine creative expression you were meant to be. First we looked at blaming – the victim’s playground. This is the behavior that leaves you powerless and being a victim of your circumstances. Then we took a brief look into complaining – a close cousin of blaming; and an easy and convenient way to not take full responsibility for your life.

Next, we took a lighter walk on the dark side of criticizing. If you want peace in your life, you must do the truth in love and avoid the trap of criticizing.

Our final limiting behavior this week is judging which is another cleverly cloaked behavior as there are those who make their living from judging others. Yes, there are times when we must judge in order to bring about justice – but we are called to judge the behavior and the actions of the other, not the person him or herself. Judgment is the considered evaluation of evidence in the formation of making a decision. But take it a step further… making a decision based on the actions of the individual.

“When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” ~ Author Unknown (yes, it bears repeating!)

Our tendency is to label a person, thus judging them; then that label becomes their identity in the eyes of the one judging. Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard once noted when you label me, you negate me. How very wise! To label someone, to judge them based on things like gender, age, color of skin, religious affiliation, sexual orientation, is to negate and deny their true character. If there is anger, greed and dissention in one culture, then it is somewhere in all cultures. There are class wars, turf wars, religious wars – all based on judgment; which only escalates into fear and hatred.

If someone has behaved poorly or inappropriately, then the behavior must be judged and dealt with. Yes, the person pays the price for their poor choice; but not because he is of a certain class or religion.

Case in point: Little 6-year-old Suzy is told that she cannot have cookies so close to dinnertime. Little Suzy takes the cookies anyway. You could tell Suzy that because she made a poor choice and chose to disobey, she must be punished appropriately for her actions; or, you could tell her that she is a bad girl and she never listens. One way judges and reprimands her behavior; the other way judges her as a person and potentially disturbs her growing character.

So, just for today, STOP, TAKE A BREATH, and ASK:

• Do I engage in any of these limiting behaviors?
• Do I blame someone or something outside of myself, thus giving away my power, leaving me a victim of circumstances?
• Do I constantly complain about something I have no control over just to have something to complain about?
• Do I judge another based on who they are or do I judge the actions?

If you answered YES to any or all, simply make the decision to remove these limiting behaviors today and watch how your life opens up to all sorts of unlimited possibilities.

Are You A Chronic Complainer?

"Whine, whine! How about some cheese with that whine!"

Our next victim-making gremlin, limiting behavior, is complaining. Do you constantly complain? Do you hang out with chronic complainers? What are the complaints about? Are there solutions to those plights or is it just better to complain?

“If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.” ~ Anthony J. D'Angelo

My first job out of college was on a government complaint hotline. I heard complaints all day - for a living! After awhile, I could tell the genuine complainers from those who just wanted to complain. 

To complain means to express displeasure or discontentment. We all know someone who just likes to complain. They won’t do anything about changing the situation; they just want to complain about it.

If you have such a complainer in your life, then I challenge you to challenge them! Sit down with them and do the truth in love. Do not judge them (another limiting behavior) because it will only make them more defensive – giving them more reason to complain. Rather, ask them what would they prefer to see instead of what’s disturbing them. Can they do anything to bring that alternative about? If yes, then devise a plan to do so; and if not, then let it go and deal with something you do have control over.

And if you are the chronic complainer, then I challenge you to STOP, TAKE A BREATH, and ASK:

• What am I complaining about?
• What is the real issue here?
• Can I control it or change it?

If you can control or change it, then get to it; and if not, then let it go!

We often complain because it makes up for the situation we don’t want to deal with. There is usually some underlying cause that we don’t want to look at – so we complain about a surface issue that really has nothing to do with the root cause.

For example: A mother who constantly complains about her son who has turned out to behave very careless and reckless. The son is mentally ill, though undiagnosed, and therefore untreated. The complaints are the son never takes care of his affairs – his children, his home, himself.

Root cause: The mother did not help the son in the beginning when she had the chance to make an impact – to get him the help he so desperately needed. Had she intervened earlier, she might have nipped it in the bud.

Now, there will always be extenuating circumstances to every issue, but the bottom line is to determine the root cause of the complaining; especially if it’s constant and about the same issue.

So, just for today, think about your complaining habits and make a conscious effort to eliminate complaining from your life.

No More Victim Stories

This week, I would like to focus on a set of behaviors that I believe keeps us living very small lives and limits our becoming women (and men) of purpose. In order to gain mastery over these behaviors, we need to expose then and shine light on them. Only those behaviors brought into the light can be properly dealt with.

Although the list of limiting behaviors could get quite lengthy, I will only speak of four of them here this week. I do believe that once you have a grasp on these behaviors, you will be able to easily recognize them; thus gain awareness and clarity over why certain areas of your life become stuck and stagnant.

So, what are these limiting behaviors we will shine light on this week? They are blaming, complaining, criticizing and judging. Do you recognize any or all as too close a companion? Yes, we have all engaged in one or another at some point in our lives. And you may say there is a healthy time and place for them. Well, I call that justification – another limiting behavior that does not serve you.

What I want to get at here with these behaviors is that you are on a journey to a life of peace, passion and purpose. You are living your passions from your divine heart message, thus will you be at peace. And yes, you need other people to make it so. But the four limiting behaviors are more about not minding your own story, looking at another person’s behavior instead of dealing with your own, pointing the finger at someone else and not taking personal responsibility for your own unique and precious life. Put all of these together and your life is called victimhood.

This week, you will stop being a victim in your own life story and start being the divine creator you were created to be!

Chapter Three: The Core of Ego

As we continue through A New Earth, we look at some key points to Chapter Three and the core of the ego.

"Anything that you resent and strongly react to in another is also in you."

“What we react to in another we strengthen in ourselves. One of the things the ego needs to survive is reacting against other people. What you react to in another you strengthen in yourself…”

“What we react to most strongly in others and what we most strongly condemn in others is usually something that we also have, a trait that we also have but that we are unconscious of in ourselves. So when we, for example, become upset if we encounter somebody who is very greedy, or we could become upset about somebody who is dishonest, no matter who, the force of your reaction usually tells you that something in you that you need to look at.”

Question: Who in your life do you consider an enemy? What lessons and blessings have you to learn from that person?

“Whatever you fight, you strengthen and what you resist persists.”

“Complaining is one of the egos favorite strategies for strengthening itself. Every complaint is a little story the mind makes up that you completely believe in… Some egos that haven’t got much else to identify with, they can survive on complaining alone. So the continuously you are condemning other people, you’re continuously criticizing, condemning or judging negatively situations that you’re in, your surroundings, other people.”

Question: Who would you be if you did not complain? How would your life be different?

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Live in the moment,

Coach Carolyn