27 August 2008

Making Agreements ~ A Question

Greetings Purposeful Divas and Divos!

Just wanted to share an email I received concerning making, breaking and negotiating agreements. I believe it can benefit other women as well.

Thanks so much for sending this recap. It is extremely useful and full of wonderful ideas. I wish I was not out of town and could have attended.

If someone breaks an agreement with you...say a lover who cheats on you...what could one say to share ones feelings in an adult, honest, loving way and not angry and then renegotiate a new agreement?

Much appreciation and gratitude for your insights.


Your question is a good one and one that I am sure lots of people are dealing with. When we speak of making agreements, we also mean making agreements with ourselves; all this comes down to trust.

Do you trust yourself enough to make and re-negotiate an agreement? If not, how can you trust another? We expect significant others to do for us what we will not do for ourselves.

Did you make an agreement with the other person? I don't mean a hap-hazard sort of agreement, but a real agreement with clarifying statements?

In re-negotiating an agreement, we must do the truth in love. State exactly what you are feeling about the broken agreement. State facts.

"When you did ______, I felt ______. The impact that had on me was ____. My request is ______."

No angry words, no emotional outbursts. Just state the facts. Then re-negotiate as you feel comfortable. The re-negotiation process is unique to each situation. What does your gut/intuition tell you? Are you able to trust the person again in order to make a new agreement.

Infidelity is a difficult case. Discern carefully and take your time. This is your life. Only you must live it.

Agree with a purpose!
Coach Carolyn

25 August 2008

Are You Living Your Agreements?

Our Becoming a Woman of Purpose Meetup Group concluded our three part discussion of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. We by no means exhausted the topic. We, at least I, could talk on these agreements until the cows come home. When exactly do the cows come home? Anyway, our discussion was very powerful. We had a great group of ladies, as usual. It is always a new group because one or two new ladies will join us. Yet, the dynamics are always fascinating.

One of my passions is being a part of a group of purposeful women discussing spiritual issues that impacts their souls. Amazing to watch and share. We discussed honoring our agreements. Life is about making, breaking and re-negotiating agreements. We make an agreement, say to meet someone at a certain time. Then as life happens, we break the agreement. The reasons do not matter. What does matter is that we then need to re-negotiate the agreement, or make a new agreement. This is the part we fall down on. We don’t communicate our feelings about the broken agreement, so we just stew and let the matter fester until we are carrying anger and resentment towards the other person.

If we would just have a conversation with that person about the broken agreement; not in an angry or argumentative manner, but in a loving and honest way, then things would not get so out of hand. All we need to do is to clarify the agreement, apologize if necessary, and then make a new agreement. Make the new agreement with a few clarifying points. Say to the other, “okay, let me see if I got this right…” then repeat the agreement to clarify. When we can make and negotiate agreements in this way, our relationships are so much stronger and kinder.

Several other topics along the same theme came up and I want to recap one of them because I believe that we could all benefit from shining light on it here. The concern was about being and staying present. We tend to live either in the past ~ dealing with regrets and if onlys, or we live in the future ~ worrying about the what ifs. Both are about our fears and both take us out of the present moment. I know that we all have these moments when we fret over past events or worry about our tomorrows.

It is about creating spiritual practices for ourselves. One of the practices could be taking one issue or worry that you are carrying and take some small action toward it. If something is bothering you about your past, it could possibly be an incompletion in your life. An incompletion is something that was left undone or unsaid in your past that is affecting your present. For example, if a memory comes up for you and there is some amount of pain attached to the memory, chances are there is something incomplete about that event. So you need to complete it.

To complete what was left incomplete, get clear about what the incompletion is. Ask questions about it: What is incomplete? What did I feel about the circumstances of that event? How does that affect me in the present moment? How is it affecting my moving forward? After exhausting all of the questions, then ask what needs to be done to complete it. Who is involved? Remember, it is not necessary to involve another if it would be harmful to you or to them.

Can you declare it complete and move on? Sometimes you just need to make the declaration and be done with it. The event or circumstance may not need anything done to complete it except to declare it complete.

Remember, life is a process, not an event. This all takes one step and one moment at a time. Don’t beat yourself up if you slip. Just wake up the next day and agree to make a new agreement. Soon you will see that your life will shift to a brighter and more peaceful way of being.

Make and keep your agreements on purpose!
Coach Carolyn

Now, about those cows. It is an old Irish expression. So, when do the cows come home? Well, when they are damn good and ready! Or when they need to be milked. Just like a cow!

21 August 2008

Make a New Choice ~ On Purpose

"There is a thought in your mind right now. The longer you hold on to it, the more you dwell upon it, the more life you give to that thought. Give it enough life, and it will become real. So make sure the thought is indeed a great one." ~ Ralph Marston

Most of our self-talk comes unconsciously from our subconscious. Yet every thought that exists in our subconscious got there through a conscious decision to accept that thought.

We need to become conscious of our self-talk so we can at will choose to replace negative beliefs with positive ones. We have the power to choose an identity we love, but we need to do the work. The process of changing our subconscious beliefs requires awareness, diligence, consistency and repetition.

~ From Higher Awareness

We have an amazing power that we tend to take for granted. It is our power to choose. We can always choose to make a different choice, especially when our original choice isn't working for us. We must learn to ask questions ~ we must question our choice.

We do know when our lives are out of whack. We do know when things just aren't going according to plan. Yet, we continue to make the same choices and do things the same way. Remember the definition of insanity ~ doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

So, just for today, choose to make a purposeful choice ~ a choice that will bring peace to your life instead of chaos; a choice that will result in freedom and not frenzy.

You have the power ~ choose wisely!
Coach Carolyn

18 August 2008

Stop Taking Things Personally!

Thanks to the ladies, our last Becoming a Woman of Purpose gathering was wonderful. Lots of deep, intimate and honest conversations. Taking the topic from one of Don Miguel Ruiz’ Four Agreements, Don’t Take Anything Personally, certainly evokes lots of discussion and lots of fire in the belly. Of the four agreements, this one is the most difficult to follow.

As Don Miguel explains, we tend to think everything is about us, when in fact, it is not. We must learn to let go of our own belief that we must react to everything that is directed at us. We have not been called to police the universe. Everything is not about me. It is a hard enough job taking care of my own business; I don’t need to delve into everyone else’s business as well.

We all have our own stories, and we all operate out of our own stories and realities. Yet, my story is just that: my story. It is no one else’s. This holds true for all of us. When someone says something to us, whether positive or negative, it is from their own reality, their own story; and has nothing to do with me.

This particular agreement has been absolutely life changing for me personally. When I finally wrapped my brain around the fact that whatever was said to me or about me, had nothing to do with me, I was liberated. I have also learned to no longer “take offense” from other people. When someone offends me, I can choose not to take the offense, and let it go; because again, it is not about me.

And if you constantly offended by other people, think about how many times you offend other people. I can hear you saying that you don’t mean to offend anybody. Well, does anyone mean to offend? If you are in a relationship with someone, platonic or intimate, who constantly offends, then it is time to rethink the relationship. Someone you are not in relationship with, and has no vested interest in, should not cause you distress. If it does, then ask yourself why? What button has it pushed and why do you have the button in the first place? Also, think about your part in any distressing situation and ask yourself, “What is my part in this situation?

Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve, and stop taking things personally ~ it is not about you!

Coach Carolyn

14 August 2008

Are You Speaking Your Truth?

This month’s Becoming a Woman of Purpose Meetup Gatherings are focused on The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I have always stated if everyone on the planet would read this book, this world would be very different. For myself, having embraced the agreements, my life is considerably calmer, more peaceful and more purposeful.

The first agreement is Be Impeccable With Your Word. Remember the time when a person’s word was their bond? What happened to those days? Today, even if it is written in blood, there can still be disputes and lawsuits.

Don Miguel simply says to speak your word with integrity; if you say it, mean it. Also, avoid using the word against yourself and others; steer clear of using the word for malicious intent. Remember our mothers saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!” This still applies. Unfortunately, it isn’t enforced.

Just for today, speak your word with conscious awareness. Don’t simply speak to fill up space. Only speak if it is an improvement to silence.

Words can harm and words can heal. Choose wisely.

Coach Carolyn

05 August 2008

What is Truth?

“A woman who loves herself makes direct statements in response to the requests of others, sets clear limits in her interactions with others, and offers respectful solutions to her interpersonal challenges. With courage and respect for her own life, she no longer hides her truth within convoluted narratives and indirect explanations. Initially, her use of the vocabulary of truth is awkward. Eventually, her responses become graceful and effective.” ~ Patricia Lynne Reilly

Speak your truth on purpose!
Coach Carolyn