16 January 2010

A Life of Questions

Growing up in my ultra religious household was always a challenge for me. I never said the right thing at the right time. And when I said something, I always followed it up with the question, “why?” This was strictly frowned upon. I was being willful and going against the grain. I never really understood this. When I was old enough, I asked several questions of my church about the religion, history, and the like. The answer I received was, “That’s just the way it is!” Now, you can imagine, this was totally unacceptable to me and my inquiring mind. Because of this, I left that church. And when I was asked why I was leaving, I simply answered, “That’s just the way it is!” Okay, I was a bit snarky back then.

From the time I was very young, I had a love/hate relationship with God, at least, who I understood God to be. To me, he took away my beloved father when I needed him so. He was the God who needed anger management classes because he was always wrathful. I have never used the word “wrathful” in any other situation accept this. But I digress…. I remember telling my minister mother that I wanted nothing more to do with her God or the bible. Well, you can probably imagine the look on her face. To this day, I have never forgotten it.

I was never much for God, but I was strangely and spiritually connected to the Psalms. They became my christian church. Not much into the bible, since it was crammed down my throat for all those years, I still loved the Bible stories. It gave me great comfort, especially during the trying times. It wasn’t until I was face to face with sickness and pain that I cried out to the God I thought wrathful, only to find a God of mercy and compassion.

Fast forward to today and I am still inquisitive and want to know why. But I approach the questions a bit differently than I used to. I still love and read my Psalms, in addition to the rest. I live a new kind of kingdom of heaven, a new life in a trinity that I have been privileged to come face to face with. The Dutch Christian Holocaust survivor Corrie ten Boom once remarked, “You may never know that Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you have.”

I still ask the questions, but I live more in the questions than expecting the answers. Oh, the answers will come, in divine timing. But until then, I simply glory in the questions.

In peace,
Coach Carolyn

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